"Always speak the truth, since the smallest of lies discredits your words of love or respect." - Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, family and marriage counselor, received the following email.
"We were traveling in the car on our way to a movie. My husband was quiet and smiling smugly. I said, 'What are you thinking?' He replied, 'I was just thinking how critical you are.'
"My natural instinct was ... well, you know. But I thought, This is a goodwilled man. Maybe he means something else. So I asked, 'What does that mean, that I'm critical?' He replied, 'I mean our family couldn't exist without you. You are so critical to me.'"
Communication skills, or their absence, will make or break a marriage.
David and Amy Olson, in their book "Empowering Couples: Building on Your Strengths," list five simple suggestions for improving communication skills in marriage.
First of all, focus on the good in each other. It is surprisingly easy to find the qualities in another person that we are looking for. If we are looking for their faults, we will find them; we all have them, so their existence should not be unexpected.
By the same token, we all have good in us, and we are just hoping someone will see it. We usually make the decision to marry someone because we see positive characteristics that attract us. If things are different after marriage, we need to ask ourselves who changed.
Family expert and researcher John Gottman has found that happy couples, on average, have five times as many positive interactions and expressions as negative interactions and expressions. He refers to this 5-to-1 ratio as "the magic ratio." Although there will always be some negatives, the negativity is outweighed by the positive feelings and actions.
The next suggestion follows right on from the first: whenever we see something good in our spouse, praise them. Frequent and sincere praise is very uplifting to both the one receiving the praise and the one giving it.
Possibly one of the biggest benefits of praise is that it not only affirms the value of the one being praised, it confirms their very existence. Ignoring someone is to treat them very cruely. Even negative comments acknowledge someone's presence. Praise will affirm someone and their value and encourage further positive behavior.
A third suggestion, that we take the time to listen to our spouse, also goes a long way in affirming them. Specifically, listen to understand and not to judge. Then, after listening, tell your spouse what you think you heard before you share your own ideas. Paraphrase their ideas in your own words and attempt to capture their feelings. Remember, although not always rational, feelings are real and we must acknowledge their existence and importance.
Another suggestion is to be assertive. This doesn't mean being aggressive and attacking the other person. The goal here is to express your own ideas and feelings and not disparage or belittle your spouse's feelings and ideas.
Using "I" statements rather "you" statements is one common technique. Let your spouse know what your needs are or what is bothering you - don't let your feelings become a guessing game. Instead of saying, "You never come home for dinner on time," say, "I feel neglected and hurt when I have dinner all ready and then have to wait an unknown length of time for you to eat with me."
Finally, give your relationship the importance and attention you did when you first met. Early in your relationship, certainly before you were married and probably for a short time after marriage, your schedule and behavior underwent major changes to accommodate this special other person.
After marriage, apathy and our old behavior patterns have a way of surfacing. A marriage that brings happiness to both husband and wife requires effort, but there is nothing closer to heaven on earth than a marriage operating according to God's design. VISIT FOR CONSULTATION AND COACHING www.thecounselor.info , contact for appointment 09810594544
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