Sunday, December 25, 2011

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself


30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself
When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.
As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
  1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
  2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
  3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
  4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
  5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
  6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
  7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
  8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
  9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
  10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
  11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
  12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
  13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
  14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
  15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
  16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
  17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
  18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
  19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
  20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
  21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
  22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
  23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
  24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
  25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
  26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
  27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
  28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
  29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
  30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Sour and suspicious


I have been married for five years. All this while, I was never really happy with my marriage although I do love my husband very much.
We used to quarrel a lot because my husband cares for his own needs and happiness, and puts his friends as his main priority. He would tell me lies and neglect me just to be with them.
I don’t think I could ever forget those lies because it involved a third party on two occasions.
I know she was up to no good but my husband didn’t try to understand me and continued chatting with her every day on the net.
He promised me he would never go beyond that. But after some arguments I found out he has called her on the phone to chat even though he says he treats her as a normal friend.
I tried so hard all by myself to guard this marriage from troublesome third parties. Although it was in the past I still remember how he lied and how I relied on my own sixth sense to find out what was going on.
Both girls pretended in front of me as if they didn’t keep in touch with my husband even though I knew they did.
As a wife, I forgave him for his lies each time when I found out about them but he never showed remorse nor felt regret.
I have tried to be very patient although at times I feel so lost. I always believe that if I love him with all my heart, then one day, eventually, I will change him to appreciate this marriage and to care for me more.
In the past six months I can feel that things have improved. He no longer neglects me for his friends and I told myself that I shouldn’t always see the bad side of him.
I have found some small good points in him too..
He cares for my family, remembers our anniversary, brings me travelling around the world and buys me whatever I need whether it’s cheap or expensive.
However I feel that I have lost trust in him. I still check on his things as I am afraid that history will repeat itself. I have also lost my self confidence and it is affecting my daily life and thinking.
I blame myself for not being pretty or attractive enough. Sometimes when my husband praises other girls I will feel very low and ugly.
I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror and I have developed some anger towards pretty or sexy girls.
I feel extremely uncomfortable when he adds pretty girls to his Facebook also. Most of my husband’s colleagues are married with kids and like to visit karaoke joints that have GRO services or even go for prostitutes.
Although he is honest enough to tell me about his colleague’s actions, I feel very worried that one day he will be influenced by them and join in their activities.
These feelings are really killing me inside. I know I should forget about the past but sometimes he just doesn’t make me feel secure.
I don’t feel important in his life. Maybe I am having depression. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep easily. When I do sleep I wish I won’t wake up so soon because it will be just another unmotivating day for me.
I feel lost and don’t know what makes me happy anymore. Sometimes I just hate life because of my marriage, friends, family and my health.
Each time when I see pictures of friends with their new born babies I cry to myself. I really love children but now I doubt I am fit to become a mother as my mind has is full of negative thinking. I have lost faith in things.... http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2011/12/18/lifefocus/10113946&sec=lifefocus
For appointment please call 9810594544 or visit www.thecounselor.info 

Learn to communicate better



"Always speak the truth, since the smallest of lies discredits your words of love or respect." - Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, family and marriage counselor, received the following email.
"We were traveling in the car on our way to a movie. My husband was quiet and smiling smugly. I said, 'What are you thinking?' He replied, 'I was just thinking how critical you are.' 

"My natural instinct was ... well, you know. But I thought, This is a goodwilled man. Maybe he means something else. So I asked, 'What does that mean, that I'm critical?' He replied, 'I mean our family couldn't exist without you. You are so critical to me.'"

Communication skills, or their absence, will make or break a marriage. 

David and Amy Olson, in their book "Empowering Couples: Building on Your Strengths," list five simple suggestions for improving communication skills in marriage.

First of all, focus on the good in each other. It is surprisingly easy to find the qualities in another person that we are looking for. If we are looking for their faults, we will find them; we all have them, so their existence should not be unexpected. 

By the same token, we all have good in us, and we are just hoping someone will see it. We usually make the decision to marry someone because we see positive characteristics that attract us. If things are different after marriage, we need to ask ourselves who changed.

Family expert and researcher John Gottman has found that happy couples, on average, have five times as many positive interactions and expressions as negative interactions and expressions. He refers to this 5-to-1 ratio as "the magic ratio." Although there will always be some negatives, the negativity is outweighed by the positive feelings and actions.

The next suggestion follows right on from the first: whenever we see something good in our spouse, praise them. Frequent and sincere praise is very uplifting to both the one receiving the praise and the one giving it.

Possibly one of the biggest benefits of praise is that it not only affirms the value of the one being praised, it confirms their very existence. Ignoring someone is to treat them very cruely. Even negative comments acknowledge someone's presence. Praise will affirm someone and their value and encourage further positive behavior.

A third suggestion, that we take the time to listen to our spouse, also goes a long way in affirming them. Specifically, listen to understand and not to judge. Then, after listening, tell your spouse what you think you heard before you share your own ideas. Paraphrase their ideas in your own words and attempt to capture their feelings. Remember, although not always rational, feelings are real and we must acknowledge their existence and importance.

Another suggestion is to be assertive. This doesn't mean being aggressive and attacking the other person. The goal here is to express your own ideas and feelings and not disparage or belittle your spouse's feelings and ideas.

Using "I" statements rather "you" statements is one common technique. Let your spouse know what your needs are or what is bothering you - don't let your feelings become a guessing game. Instead of saying, "You never come home for dinner on time," say, "I feel neglected and hurt when I have dinner all ready and then have to wait an unknown length of time for you to eat with me."

Finally, give your relationship the importance and attention you did when you first met. Early in your relationship, certainly before you were married and probably for a short time after marriage, your schedule and behavior underwent major changes to accommodate this special other person.

After marriage, apathy and our old behavior patterns have a way of surfacing. A marriage that brings happiness to both husband and wife requires effort, but there is nothing closer to heaven on earth than a marriage operating according to God's design. VISIT FOR CONSULTATION AND COACHING www.thecounselor.info , contact for appointment 09810594544 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Relationship Coaching or Counseling — Which?



Relationship Coaching or Counseling — Which?
Couples go to counseling to improve their relationship - don't they? Well, not necessarily. Many couples enter counseling so consumed with anger at each other and with what is wrong with their relationship that positive change scarcely enters their minds. They have no vision of a better marriage and consequently no goals that could reorient them in a healing direction.
Unfortunately, so compelling is the temptation to blame the other partner and so intense is the anger and hurt that many couples in counseling never move beyond a negative fixation on all that is wrong with their relationship. They have nowhere positive to go and consequently never get there.
It take a well-trained and forceful couples counselor to insist, after a period of venting, that partners drop their negative focus and start creating a better future together. Unfortunately, counselors who do insist on a positive focus to the work sometimes discover that "getting better together" is not really what couples have in mind. Knowing what you don't like is easy. Changing focus - deciding what you want instead and working toward it - is not easy.
Enter relationship coaching. Coaching is an action-focused process for bringing about change. It emphasizes visioning a desirable future, developing specific goals to realize the vision and committing oneself to the process of achieving those goals.
Asked what they want from counseling, new clients will often reply with a variation of, "I want to understand why we have such an awful marriage." A typical coaching client response would be, "I want to build a better marriage."
Relationship counseling and coaching differ. The difference is more of degree than of kind, however. And some forms of counseling - notably short-term, solutions-oriented counseling - is in practice very much like coaching.
In general, counseling stresses understanding; coaching stresses action. Counseling is more psychological, coaching more behavioral. Feelings are more prominent in counseling. Goals and action steps to achieve them are more important in coaching. Counseling focuses on the past and the present, coaching on the future and the present.
Counseling is more "Why?," coaching more "How?" Counseling is more concerned with obstacles to action, coaching with the action itself. In practice, counseling attends more to problems than to goals and to personal inadequacies more than to strengths. Coaching is the opposite. Counseling is one of the healing arts. Coaching is an educational process. Counseling wants to make well. Coaching wants to make successful.
It follows that coaching and counseling attract different sorts of people, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say - people at different stages of the growth process and, therefore, with different needs. As a generalization, we can say that coaching attracts people who want to act more than they want to understand, while the people who come for counseling want understanding more - and healing.
If you want help with your marriage or couple relationship, should you go to a couples counselor or a relationship coach? That depends on what sort of condition the relationship is in and, since the relationship is you and your partner, what sort of condition you both are in.
If the relationship is very unstable and you are too emotionally upset to work together, try counseling until the relationship settles down, then turn to relationship coaching, if that option is open to you. Similarly, if either one or both of you feels so emotionally clogged with anger or hurt that you feel incapable of even contemplating cooperating together on goals for the future, then again - counseling is probably the better short-term direction.
When you are committed to change, go for coaching or work with a counselor who has had coaching training and integrates coaching methods in his practice. And by the way - the need to heal the relationship does not in itself argue for counseling rather than coaching. It is very healing to discover through coaching, first, that you can behave better toward each other despite your pain and, second, that your improved behavior can suggest a new and positive future.
Relationship Counseling
Relationship coaching not well-known
If you are like most people, when you seek help for your relationship, you first think counseling. You may well never have heard of relationship coaching, which is a relatively new approach.
Actually for people who are tired of the blame game, ready to take responsibility for their own behavior and willing to work for change – relationship coaching may be the best choice.
How is coaching different from counseling?
One way to understand relationship coaching is to distinguish it from counseling - a somewhat chancy undertaking, because some forms of counseling are very close to coaching, and coaching at its sensitive best is counseling-like.
Despite the risks of over-generalization, here are some rough distinctions between counseling and coaching:
·    Counseling stresses understanding. Coaching stresses action.
·    Counseling asks why? (Why can't we be happy?") Coaching asks how? (How can we achieve happiness?")
·    Obstacles are prominent in counseling. Opportunities are prominent in coaching.
·    Counseling is psychological. Coaching is behavioral.
·    Counseling is therapy. Coaching is education.
·    Counseling is cure-oriented. Coaching is success-oriented.
Knowing those differences, how does coaching look to you so far?
Is coaching or counseling best for you?
If your fundamental goal is more psychological understanding than learning new skills and changing yourself and/or your relationship, you may be helped better in a strictly-counseling program, rather than our relationship coaching one. On the other hand, if "doing it differently" is ultimately your goal, you may well have come to the right place.
For further assistance and appointment – PLEASE VISIT www.thecounselor.info