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Sour and suspicious


I have been married for five years. All this while, I was never really happy with my marriage although I do love my husband very much.
We used to quarrel a lot because my husband cares for his own needs and happiness, and puts his friends as his main priority. He would tell me lies and neglect me just to be with them.
I don’t think I could ever forget those lies because it involved a third party on two occasions.
I know she was up to no good but my husband didn’t try to understand me and continued chatting with her every day on the net.
He promised me he would never go beyond that. But after some arguments I found out he has called her on the phone to chat even though he says he treats her as a normal friend.
I tried so hard all by myself to guard this marriage from troublesome third parties. Although it was in the past I still remember how he lied and how I relied on my own sixth sense to find out what was going on.
Both girls pretended in front of me as if they didn’t keep in touch with my husband even though I knew they did.
As a wife, I forgave him for his lies each time when I found out about them but he never showed remorse nor felt regret.
I have tried to be very patient although at times I feel so lost. I always believe that if I love him with all my heart, then one day, eventually, I will change him to appreciate this marriage and to care for me more.
In the past six months I can feel that things have improved. He no longer neglects me for his friends and I told myself that I shouldn’t always see the bad side of him.
I have found some small good points in him too..
He cares for my family, remembers our anniversary, brings me travelling around the world and buys me whatever I need whether it’s cheap or expensive.
However I feel that I have lost trust in him. I still check on his things as I am afraid that history will repeat itself. I have also lost my self confidence and it is affecting my daily life and thinking.
I blame myself for not being pretty or attractive enough. Sometimes when my husband praises other girls I will feel very low and ugly.
I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror and I have developed some anger towards pretty or sexy girls.
I feel extremely uncomfortable when he adds pretty girls to his Facebook also. Most of my husband’s colleagues are married with kids and like to visit karaoke joints that have GRO services or even go for prostitutes.
Although he is honest enough to tell me about his colleague’s actions, I feel very worried that one day he will be influenced by them and join in their activities.
These feelings are really killing me inside. I know I should forget about the past but sometimes he just doesn’t make me feel secure.
I don’t feel important in his life. Maybe I am having depression. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep easily. When I do sleep I wish I won’t wake up so soon because it will be just another unmotivating day for me.
I feel lost and don’t know what makes me happy anymore. Sometimes I just hate life because of my marriage, friends, family and my health.
Each time when I see pictures of friends with their new born babies I cry to myself. I really love children but now I doubt I am fit to become a mother as my mind has is full of negative thinking. I have lost faith in things.... http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2011/12/18/lifefocus/10113946&sec=lifefocus
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